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Missing
posted on Saturday, April 26 @ 10:14 PM | permalink
I've been missing a lot of people for this week, hence the title HAHA.First of all, my brotherrrrrrr! I don't think I talked much about my brother before in my blog, so here it is! My irritating brother always annoy the hell out of me ever since I was born. Every single day, every hour we were always constantly bickering or wrestling or shouting at each other. But despite the fights I would always stick to him no matter what. Basically, wherever my brother is, I'll be beside him. Despite our 12-year age difference, we are a pair of "close" siblings. HAHA :D But I don't really see much of him anymore nowadays. Cos he's currently studying at Australia now and he's married already. Moved out with his wife so I'm kinda the only child left at home. To be honest, I missed all the fights we had, and I wished I had another sibling now. At least there's someone else at home that I can bicker with. It's so lonely being the only child. Secondly, my sister-cum-mummy Weitinggggggg! She's still all the way at Liverpool enjoying her life, eating all the goodies there, wandering around the streets of London while we're here, in the boring Singapore.. D; Gonna be another 2 more months before she comes back and how I wish time would pass by quicker so I can see her soon! And of course, our STAYOVER weeeeee! And my presents and CHOCOLATESSSSSS! Can't wait till she's back! Hehe :D The third person is.. a secret! HAHA! I feel so blessed to have my family, my sisters and good friends with me. I couldn't have wished for more already. :) Controlled; too much.
posted on Sunday, April 20 @ 9:47 AM | permalink
My whole life is controlled by my mum and grandma."No, you can't do this. No, you can't do that. This is good for you, that is bad for you." Sometimes I wonder, for what, for who am I exactly living for. Definitely not for myself, when I can't even pursue what I want. And then my mum and grandma will be saying that they are relying on me for the rest of their life. Do you know how stressful is it to always hear that? Sure, I know I have the responsibility to take care of them when they are old and when I have the ability to. But I hate to hear those words. I absolutely hate it. They don't know me. They never do. They see what I do and just assume. That's why I am always a baby to them. I can't decide for myself so they have decided for me, my future: an accountant. "Good what, the industry always need accountants, they will forever have a need for accountants." It probably was already mapped out when I was young, when I knew nothing. And then the adults will be like "Oh, that's good, you will have a secured job, no big worries." Of course I wouldn't be worried. But my parents will never be satisfied. Not even when I stepped in poly as an accountancy student. "You could have gotten better O levels results!" Is a 7 point not good enough? Does it really matters that much when the point is already able to get me into any of the courses? Of course it does. My grades are just something for you to boast about. And not to forget, my elder brother was there to set the standard before me. I will forever remember what happened when I was young. For once, I was actually third in my class. So I went home happily to tell my parents the news. And guess what? "Third in class? Not third in the cohort? Your brother was third in the cohort every year." I was only 10 that time. That feeling I felt was unspeakable. So I didn't bothered telling my results anymore. For what? Just to be told that my brother will always be better than me? Screw it. That's him, not me. I screwed up my lower sec real badly. My grades were always a just-pass for math, an A for chinese and art, B or C for english, science and D&T and C for humanities. And then after the streaming year, I thought "My results can't go on like this. I can't go on like this." So I worked hard. Real hard. So for the first time, I topped my class, ranked in the first 10 of the cohort. I felt good. It was my own efforts although it wasn't much. But I know, the expressions on my mum's face. It's never enough for her. No matter how much I improved, how good my grades are, it's never enough for her. But yet, she still boasts anyway. Honestly, I hate people like that. In sec school, I think I was only proud of being in my CCAs. Music is a part of my life. In poly, I decided that I should try something else for a change, so I joined tennis, and since I wanted to be better at it. After half a year in tennis, my mum started complaining about my weight loss and my "tan skin". Honestly, I think I felt much more better after I joined tennis. I had more energy and I don't look ghostly pale anymore. I honestly thought I looked better. But no, my mum wanted me to quit tennis. The anger I felt was so huge, so much that I wanted to scream and throw things all around. I had complied with you for so many times, why can't you just let me do what I want, what I like? Do you really have to even bother yourself with my skin colour? You claim to love me. And yes, I know you really do. But honestly, it's too much. It's so much that I had wanted to scream in your face that I had enough of your bullshits for god knows how many times. But I didn't. And that's because I love you as my mum. I know you want the best for me. But have you ever spared a thought for me? For what I really think? That I might not want the best? You insist on what you think is right. But have you ever thought that what you think is right may not be right at all? You don't give me a chance to talk, you insist on your point of views onto me and then say everything you did for me is out of love for me. I'm really scared of your love. I hate it when you're just forcing your opinions onto me and then claim that it's because you love me. It's too much. You're too much. Have you ever gave a thought to what I really think? Have you ever tried to even just listen to what I have to say? No. You think I'm young. I know nothing. And that I'm just a baby. That's all I ever am to you. And then as I grow up older and older, as I start to stay over at friends' house, as I start to have thoughts of going overseas with my friends. You bound me to you. And when I ask you why, you say we won't know how to take care of ourselves, you say it's not safe. They all sound like perfect reasons. But you know what? I know the real reason. You don't want me to learn to be independent. You're scared that I would abandon you in future. I may look young, naive or blur at times, but honestly, I know. I really do. I'm not dumb. But you don't understand. I'm not your innocent baby anymore. You always say I'm still young, I can try things at a later age. But the thing is, do I really have the time to try? Will I still have the passion to try? Will the circumstances at that point of time allow me to try? I have no idea. But what I know is, I have the time now, I have the passion now and the circumstances allow me to try now. So why can't I try now? I feel so tired living in here. I know some people will be like, "Why won't you cherish your family? Everyone dotes on you so much. All they want is the best for you." I know all of that. But you're not me. You won't understand. You can't understand how suffocated and tired I am. Tennis!
posted on Saturday, April 12 @ 3:13 PM | permalink
Thought I might dedicate a post to my favorite sport in my life after a good game today with a friend from the Fit Challenge! :DI haven't touched my racket for like almost 2 months now and I was super glad that my skills haven't deteriorated THAT much. HAHA. Then when I was playing with my new tennis friend, Jolynn, I started to relish in the swinging of the racket, in the sound of the racket hitting the ball and in how we try to keep the game going on without stopping. Then I came to a sudden realisation that I really love playing tennis. The only sport that I like to play anytime and every time. Honestly, I was never a fan of sport. I hate running because I don't have the stamina to last even 1.6km for primary school's NAPFA. I simple started exercising and playing sports just because of my health's well being and muscles. If not, I wouldn't even give a damn to exercising. HAHAHA. It wasn't an easy sport. In fact, I don't think any sport would be easy to master. But to be able to improve and excel in the sport you like is definitely one of the best things in life, that's what I think. Which is also what I relished in when I was playing with Jolynn. The moment when I could return her hard balls, is as though I cleared an obstacle and moved up to the next level. No wonder they always say, play with someone who is better than you. Hahaha! Not to forget to thank the people who brought me into tennis: Weiting and Shiling! They were the ones who went crazy for tennis thanks to watching Prince of Tennis HAHA. And I can still remember myself rejecting to play tennis until I finally tried one day. The start was sucky of course. I couldn't even see the ball properly.. OTL But then after days of "anyhow" playing, when we finally were able to return the ball (although it was out of the court.. HAHA), it was like as though we won champions HAHAHA. I'll remember that feeling forever because that's what motivated me to continue playing tennis and made me wanting to learn how to play tennis properly. 4 weeks!!
posted on Saturday, April 5 @ 8:06 AM | permalink
It's finally been 4 weeks since intern started! That means 8 more weeks of endurance! WOOOOO!!!Can't wait for intern to end and then go play and enjoy myself for the holidays cos it's just driving me crazy. Had to vouch 90+ samples, look through the details, and then pick another 90+ samples for one working paper, another working paper needs to vouch 25 samples, another needs 15 samples and the list continues on... I went down with 2 seniors to client's place to do all the vouchings and I thought I was really gonna go crazy with all the boxes of documents. x.x What's even worse is we had to look for the particular samples ourselves and they are not in order. THIS IS TORTURE! And I was so tired that I didn't know what I was doing or what the seniors were saying. When we finally decided to get back after 5 hours of torture, all 3 of us were like "OH YES! Faster get the hell out of here!" It was mentally driving us crazy I swear. We still have to go back on Monday to continue the rest of the samples. OTL But luckily, the client there was super nice, giving us whatever we need. If it was the other person, we have to go through a lot of questionings. I only just realised how much people hate auditors now, I perfectly understand why. HAHA I never knew the real audit work is SO much different from whatever we do in the school's audit projects. I feel so cheated.. T-T I'm gonna exercise hard later, play hard in the night, rest well for the night and be in good condition for my audition tomorrow! I'm determined to be running for the whole 5.6km challenge which I signed up for! So that means I need to run and exercise more! Lose fats and gain muscles!! And I'm still thinking should I take French class or Spanish class in school, hmm.. All the activities came in when I am having intern. UGH. |